Deadline based work, deadline driven projects…
“Take a break, take a breath and try again”…I tell myself. Discouraged, tired, low level burnout. Hello old friend. All of those all nighters, pushed by Creative Directors, Art Directors, Professors, Producers, Clients… have taken a toll over the past decade…striving to be “good enough” and missing the mark.
Standards, perfection, the industry…and I am back to where I was last May… What is the purpose of all of this made up structure that I’ve placed myself into? Does this fit? Has this always been a shirt that was too small, hoping someday I’ll pull it out of my closet and wear it with pride so I would be perceived as “great”, “accomplished”, “important”? I know this is a trap, and yet here I am again….this shirt will never fit, and it’s time to see the truth.
We are all scrambling for the spotlight, for love, for acceptance…for something bigger than ourselves. But why? Why do I turn away from the one person that really matters, myself? My deep, authentic real self? Why is that so hard? Especially when it comes to work and dealing with money?
For years I identified as the underdog. I was encouraged by my environment to take up the mantel of someone brilliant “flying under the radar”. Definitely a safer place to be, an easy fall back, an easy out… but out of what exactly? It took me years to answer that question, and realize I was turning away from my own power, and allowing the world to define my place and purpose.
AND WHAT IS POWER? INFLUENCE? APPROVAL? BEING BUSY? BEING IN CHARGE? BEING RICH? BEING BEAUTIFUL?
There are so many distractions….that pull and push at own deepest areas of perceived lack…But what if I didn’t lack anything? Where would I place myself in the world? What does that look like?