I have always known who I was…this made growing up painful. My goal since I can remember has been to be true to myself…and honestly, I don’t know how to be any other way.
This has created a life of standing apart, being unpopular, enemies and lots of advice to fit into a societal box, make money and get on with life…
What I have found is that I can’t fit into a group or ideology that doesn’t ring true to me…. I’m not an opportunist person, I’m not an extroverted person, I’m not a combative person…
Four years ago I decided to play the long game….instead of chalking my life up to a series of benchmarks and short term successes…and I’ve returned to my original goal…to be true to myself, to find a place in the world, to find the people that are positive, kind, driven, open, creative, loving, honest and true to who they are….in whatever form, in whatever genre…
The sacrifice has been more intense than I could have imagined, the struggle and pain unending…but I can see some of the pieces coming together…slowly…
Some days are shattering and just when I’m about to give up, I find a podcast, a book, a sentence, an image that reminds me why I exist….
I was asked recently, if “speaking publicly terrifies me, why do I do it?”. My answer: Because it terrifies me…and if I don’t share, if I don’t speak up who will? If I can’t find the courage inside of myself, how can I expect that from others or look for that in the world? Being visible, allowing people to challenge me, insult me, evaluate me is difficult…but at the same time, the part of me that thinks it needs to prove itself to be valuable…is falling away. It’s impossible to recieve with a clenched fist, and I am beginning to see the value in all of the experiences that come with being visible…because it causes me to redefine myself, my place in the world and my identity.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me unknowingly in some of my darkest hours, thank you to all of your putting your all into your creations with integrity and honestly, thank you to all of you for being true to who you are and redefining our roles in the world and giving room for others to do the same.
