June 26, 2021

The Under Estimate

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Almost four years ago I left my community, my job and Denver, Co where I had lived for 9 years to return to where I grew up in Bend, Or, in an attempt to create my long standing dream. Creative community, living and breathing the artist life while making a living, simplicity, eating from the garden, nature and deep into the night inspiration and stars.

I know my dream is possible, but I underestimated the conflict, the fear I would face in myself and others. Letting go of identity and rebuilding from the ground up, a process I seem to undergo every 4–5 years, this time around would be more intense. I had to let go of bigger parts of myself to make room for the giant dream I was and am holding in my heart and mind.

I underestimated how disorienting it would be, I underestimated how difficult making new connections would be moving to a town happy to stay just like it is and has always been. The deepest part of my inner strength is being challenged and where that strength comes from. Does it come from defending the truth, defending my worth? Or is it time to stop defending and open up to what that really means, what strength really is…what the truth really is….that I am whole and complete, that I have been living someone else’s dream trying to prove my worthiness…success, money, popularity…..the fight to be on top…to be known…. to reach a destination that doesn’t exist.

The truth doesn’t make me fragile, small and competitive…it makes me whole. And isn’t that what community is? Wholeness, acceptance, room to be yourself, and respect for where you are at? A place for everyone, EVERYONE.

I didn’t know it at the time when I first had this dream…but in order to make room for everyone, I have to make room for ALL of myself first…exactly where I am.